Finding your way through life is the everyday challenge we all face. One day at a time. I don't get a free pass because I'm a grieving mother. In fact, I feel that there is more expectation on me now than ever before. It feels like everyone is quietly watching and waiting for my "next move". Well, I have a surprise. There is no grand next move. My life is still my same old life it was before, I'm just trying to figure out exactly how to live that life.
There's something you don't know. I hate being emotional and feeling that I don't have control over my emotions. I hate being messy. I hate feeling sad and blue and hurty. I want to not feel this way. I want to feel happy again. I want to not feel anxious. I want to feel like I'm fulfilling my role in life. These are all things that I want. I want to have a day that "feels" normal. I don't want to fight my demons. I want them to see my heart breaking and say "Wow. Even I wouldn't want that. Let's give her the day off." But no, there is no "day off". There is no break. There's only early mornings with a sleepy eyed little boy, goodbye kisses with the man I love so dearly, loads of laundry and dishes to be done. All the while, I fight the urge to scream, shout, and drink something heavy. My life is beautiful and hazy. My heart is vulnerable and heavy, yet I keep moving. I can't give up and just quit. Many days I'd like to drown myself in Netflix until it's time for bed. My desire to function is driven by my obligation to my boys. Without them, who knows how I'd be handling everything?
I put my headphones in and try to drown out what I'm feeling, yet searching for music that speaks to my soul. John Mayer's "Slow dancing in a burning room" seems to be an anthem I can relate to, not on a relationship level, but visually. I feel like everything around me is going up in flames and all I can do is stare at the beauty of it. I'm numb, just stuck in the middle of the blaze.
These are the feelings I can't shake. Every day is something new. A new trigger. A new frustration. A new challenge. There is no break. The is only an emptiness that can't be replaced, a hole in my heart that was left by tiny footprints and 17 minutes of a perfect life.