Monday, October 13, 2014

6 Months Later

Where has the time gone? I sit here pondering the events of the last 6 months and beyond. Sometimes it seems like it was all a dream and other days, like today, it all feels so close; as if I could reach out and touch her sweet face again. I've remained pretty quiet the last few months. I honestly didn't feel like there was much to say. Every time I sat down to type I was just blank. There was nothing there. It felt so strange to be feeling so much, yet not be able to put those feelings down into words. I knew when the time was right, I'd be able to get back what I loved doing most.

So much has happened since our sweet Charlotte was placed into our arms and then peacefully left this world. One of the things I have learned to do most is live again; to be happy and feel fulfilled in my life. I am still a wife and mother. Focusing on my boys and my home has helped me to see that I still have an amazing amount of purpose. Every day is different and some are more difficult than others but I do what I can to make the best of it. The first few months were unbearably hard. I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. We all know that everyone's journey through grief is different and I am by no means a standard of how things should happen. I have been so beyond blessed and know that my journey has been a unique one.

The most amazing thing that has happened is we got pregnant again!! We are pleased to announce that we are expecting baby #2 on April 15th 2015. We knew that we wanted to have another child again soon and were amazed that it didn't take long at all. I am also amazed with the amount of healing that has taken place in my heart because of this baby. I feel my sweet angel still so close, letting me know that it's okay to be happy and excited about this pregnancy. I feel her excitement and joy for us and this new child as well. I know in my heart that she wouldn't want us to put our lives on hold because she is no longer with us physically. She is still very much a part of our lives and our family, carefully watching over us every day. I feel very strongly that she is preparing this spirit to come into our home as well.

As I enter my 2nd trimester and we remember our angel babies even more this Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I am definitely lost in thoughts of the day Charlotte was born. I can still see her beautiful face as she was cradled in the arms of her Daddy. I watched her breathe and can still remember the moment I knew in my heart her little spirit had left her tiny broken body. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about those few short moments we had with her. I felt so numb as her tiny body was placed on my chest before we were wheeled out of operating room. She was still warm and soft and real. I couldn't hold onto her long enough. The time just felt so short. Even now, it feels like the softest memory of a dream; as if just waking up and it's still fresh in my mind. The touch of her delicate little fingers. The curve of her lips. The red in her eyelashes. My little girl is still very much alive in my heart. I carry her with me everywhere I go. I see her in my dreams and I feel her in the small tender moments of our lives.

I pray that no matter what life brings, I will always see Charlotte there with us, that I will always feel her as our family grows, and she will always be a part of the reflection of who I have become. As I look ahead to welcoming this new little one and celebrating Charlotte's birthday just shortly after, I feel peace. I know that God's hand is in my life. He is in the details. He is ever aware of my heart, my joys and pains, and my journey ahead. I am doing my best to trust Him and have faith that life is and will be......beautiful.